The 5th Quarter

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."   -Romans 5:1-5

I recently watched The 5th Quarter, which is based on the true story of a loving, Christian family hit with a terrible loss and their journey to recovering.  While there have been several movies dealing with this subject, I found this one to be a little more closer to home.  In the last 5 years, my family has suffered many losses, yet one has always stood apart from the others.

This year marks the 5th anniversary, and I find myself thinking about life, God, heaven and loss.  I remember getting the call with the news after leaving my dorm wing's bible study and wondering how this could happen.  I'm ashamed to say that my faith was truly tested and my trust in God shaken.  I could not understand how someone my age, who I grew up with, could be taken away so quickly.   How someone's life just ends before it had really begun.  Yet deep down, I knew that God had a reason for my family to go through this, and would help us move on.


Grief is felt and handled in different ways for everyone.  Some use distractions and try to keep busy to feel better, while others crawl into a shell and forget how to live.  I have never handled grief well.  My heart takes in every single emotion and feeling I have as well as everyone around me and holds it in.  I can't ever fully let it go.  I don't forget how to live, but I also can't seem to find the motivation to live it. It took me a long time to push through my depression and pain so I could find God again and feel peace.   If I were to be completely honest, I don't think I have ever fully moved on from what happened and I'm not sure I ever will.  That being said, I know I'm going to be okay, because God has given me peace, love and the strength to move on.

Last month, I made the decision to spend a week in Colorado with my brother, uncle and aunt.  It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It was my first flight alone, and the first flight I'd been on since I was 14.  I was scared getting on the plane, but every second of that trip was worth it!  Since returning home, I have been thinking a lot about my life, where I am at, and I realized that I'm truly not happy.  I need a real change, a chance to try something new, something I can be proud of.  I pray for the courage to take that chance and make my family, God and myself proud. 

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  -Philippians 3:12-14

Amazing Grace

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me..."  My favorite hymn since the first moment I can remember hearing it.   Since we are coming upon Easter, a time of rejoicing, reflection and humbleness for all who know our Savior, I thought I'd share my favorite song.  This version is a little different than the original hymn, but I think the same message carries:

"When we've been there ten thousand years.  Bright, shining as the sun.  We've no less days to sing God's praise, then when we'd first begun." -The final verse of the song.  I think it reminds us that God's Love and Guidance for us are never fading. It will always be there, whether it be the day we give our whole hearts to him or long after we have left this earth and joined him in heaven.  There are no certain number of days to give God praise.  It was happening long before we were born and always will be.  His Grace, Love and Mercy are always present.

These two well known verses are ones I learned at a young age, and I will carry them with me always:

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."  -Ephesians 2:8-9

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."   -John 3:16-17

Change

It's been a really long time since I've written on this blog.  Not that I haven't wanted to, I just really haven't figured out what to say or write about.

I was reading over my last posts, especially the most recent, trying to see how much my life has changed since then.  In some areas it has, but most is still the same.   Most of what I wrote in my last post still applies today, so I keep asking myself the same questions; What can I do to change things? Will I have the strength, confidence and courage to change them?

I was spending time with my parents one evening, and we were having a discussion about my brother's personalities as well as my own.  One thing my mom said to me has stuck with me since: "Out of you and your brothers, you are the most independent."

That statement threw me for a moment.  While I understand how that could seem possible, since I was the first to move away and have always been comfortable being alone, I also felt that it wasn't completely true.  While I may be independent in some aspects, in many ways I feel the most dependent, especially when it comes to my family.  Not just my parents and siblings, but my whole family.  The thought of losing any of them is hard to bear. 

I've never handled change very well, and the last few years have brought much of it.  Friends getting married, losing loved ones, moving to new locations, even changing jobs.  While others around me have flourished and lived life, I have felt stuck in one place.  That's not to say I don't enjoy my jobs.  I love working at both! I just feel like the person standing at the base on one side of a mountain, wanting to take the next step by climbing to join everyone on the other side, yet still needing that push to take the first step. 


Most of this may not make sense, but that's okay.  I've never been the best with words. yet practice makes perfect, right?!