The 5th Quarter

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."   -Romans 5:1-5

I recently watched The 5th Quarter, which is based on the true story of a loving, Christian family hit with a terrible loss and their journey to recovering.  While there have been several movies dealing with this subject, I found this one to be a little more closer to home.  In the last 5 years, my family has suffered many losses, yet one has always stood apart from the others.

This year marks the 5th anniversary, and I find myself thinking about life, God, heaven and loss.  I remember getting the call with the news after leaving my dorm wing's bible study and wondering how this could happen.  I'm ashamed to say that my faith was truly tested and my trust in God shaken.  I could not understand how someone my age, who I grew up with, could be taken away so quickly.   How someone's life just ends before it had really begun.  Yet deep down, I knew that God had a reason for my family to go through this, and would help us move on.


Grief is felt and handled in different ways for everyone.  Some use distractions and try to keep busy to feel better, while others crawl into a shell and forget how to live.  I have never handled grief well.  My heart takes in every single emotion and feeling I have as well as everyone around me and holds it in.  I can't ever fully let it go.  I don't forget how to live, but I also can't seem to find the motivation to live it. It took me a long time to push through my depression and pain so I could find God again and feel peace.   If I were to be completely honest, I don't think I have ever fully moved on from what happened and I'm not sure I ever will.  That being said, I know I'm going to be okay, because God has given me peace, love and the strength to move on.

Last month, I made the decision to spend a week in Colorado with my brother, uncle and aunt.  It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It was my first flight alone, and the first flight I'd been on since I was 14.  I was scared getting on the plane, but every second of that trip was worth it!  Since returning home, I have been thinking a lot about my life, where I am at, and I realized that I'm truly not happy.  I need a real change, a chance to try something new, something I can be proud of.  I pray for the courage to take that chance and make my family, God and myself proud. 

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  -Philippians 3:12-14