Thoughts...Questions.....

Ok, so I know this isn't a movie review, but I've been dealing with mixed and weird feelings lately and I'm not sure how to describe or understand them.  I've been told that writing them down helps to figure out what I'm trying to say.

Earlier this past week I was talking to someone at work about our social lives and it really got me thinking about mine, especially when I was asked the last time I was invited to hang out with friends.  It made me feel irritated and hurt, yet at the same time guilty for feeling so selfish.  I began wondering if I really am a good friend to people.

I'm not an outgoing, social butterfly.  I never have been. I've always struggled with a lack of self-confidence. Sure, I've had my moments where I have put myself out there and been crazy, but most of the time I'm quiet.  That's not to say I don't enjoy going out, because I always love spending time with people.  Yet it seems like whenever I do want to spend time with others, I become the instigator. While I don't mind this occasionally, when it continually happens each time I want to go out I can't help but wonder if people truly get me. I may not always call when wanting to have fellowship with others, but that does not mean I am not seeking it.

I've never had the easiest time making friends, especially when that includes walking up to strangers or going to an event where I don't know anyone.  And even when I have made friends, it's been a struggle to keep them. Many parts of the struggle include my desperate attempt in wanting people to like me.  I either talk about myself so much that I come across as selfish and self-centered, or I constantly follow and stick to people like glue enough to have them be annoyed with me and pull away.  I think part of this stems from switching schools at delicate times of my social life.    

I am so grateful for the friends I have managed to keep, but some days I wonder how close I really am with them.  Are we really friends or do I just cling to them so I won't be alone? I can't help but think I'm being selfish with them.  Holding on to them so much that the friendship becomes one-sided; meaning I'm always the one to make time or put them first when it's rarely returned. 

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm working on being a good friend to those who are looking for one.  It is not my intention to sound selfish or pitiful.  I guess I'm trying to figure out who I really am.  I may act like a leader most of the time, but that does not mean I always wish to lead.